MyAnxiousMind

Yesterday I awoke feeling amazing, refreshed and ready to face another work week. I drove into work with a renewed sense of confidence, having faced my fears and survived. The new me said, lets grab a friend from work and go get some lunch, so thats what I did. The anxiety began to creep in on the drive, whats going on, I beat this thing. As we walked into the restaurant my anxiety quickly shot to a 5, this sucks, I don’t want to do this anymore. Then as we waited for our food to arrive, my anxiety peaked at around a 7. I don’t understand, the past two days I did so great. I mean, I went into Lowes, on the busiest day of the week and my anxiety was a zero, why now?

The important thing to understand is that recovery, as with most things in life, is not linear. There are peaks and valleys but as long as you are staying present, it doesn’t really matter if you are currently on a peak or down in a valley. From the peaks, you can view how far you have climbed out of the darkness that is anxiety. In the valleys, you have the wonderful opportunity to learn and grow. There is no good. There is no bad. It just is.

Yesterday I wanted to run into Costco to pick up a docking station for my iPod. I’ve downloaded all six weeks of the mindfulness meditation course from Zencast.org and decided that it would be so much nicer to listen to over a nice set of speakers rather than 5 year old headphones. My plan was to get up early, beat the crowd, run in and run out but I was still on a bit of a high from my Lowe’s trip so I asked the family if they wanted to join me — knowing there was a list of things to purchase and the kids always want to try every sample in the store.

As we drove towards the store my hands did begin to sweat a bit and wondered if I would be able to perform on the same level I had the day before but this isn’t about being better than one day, this is just about new experiences and being in the moment. We walked into Costco and I browsed through the different docking options before I finally settled on one, ok lets pull out the list.

We picked up the items on the list and instead of running out of the store I suggested that we just wander around a bit, see whats new, just enjoy being there. My wife commented that maybe we should get a bag a rice, so we walked up and down the isles, not finding any rice — again I could have suggested we just leave but I said lets go back and double check. Still empty handed I ask one of the employees “where do you hide the rice?”. She responded “its usually right here but we are currently sold out. Sorry.”

I shake my head and blurt out without thinking “yeah, its probably because the Mormons are freaking everyone out about food storage!” The employee laughed and said “yeah, I hear they are going to start pushing for 3 years supply of salt, so you might want to pick up a few bags and get a jump on the competition.”

My wife grabbed the cart and headed for a different isle, slightly embarrassed but with a grin on her face that seemed to say “its good to have you back.” We wandered around a bit more, I picked up a couple different kinds of cheese that I really like, my son wanted fresh blueberries so we found those and then headed for the registers.

On the way out of the store another shopper stops me and says “dude, where did you get that shirt?” I was wearing a shirt that had “HELL’S KITCHEN” printed on it.

“Oh, a friend of mine picked it up for me in New York, he knows I’m a big fan of the show and that I have a bit of a man-crush on Chef Ramsay.”

The guy laughed and we parted ways. After loading the groceries into the car my wife said “what were you two boys laughing about?” I replayed the story to her about the shirt and the man-crush and she responded “you must be feeling so much better, I haven’t seen you like this in a long time.”

Yesterday, I was assigned an “errand” — cue brain to kick the anxiety switch to ON.

My son, being a boy, has managed to snap in half several of the wooden planks that support his bed. When asked he quickly replied “it wasn’t me jumping on the bed!”. So when Saturday rolls around, my task for the day was “Fix Bed”.

Ok, easy enough, I’ll just run over to the local hardware store, and hope they have lumber, and hope they happen to have lumber that even remotely matches these broken supports.

I get ready and head out, the anticipatory anxiety in full effect — hands sweating, heart beating through my chest, mouth dry, body feeling funny. I turn the corner to find my local hardware store out of business, well non-existent is probably a better way to describe it. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me, I’ve been locked in my house, only going on quick trips here and there for the past couple of years but as I drove past the old hardware store, I had found that the store had been demolished, the ground cleared and a new post office had been put in it’s place.

What do I do?

My mind says make up some excuse and get back home to safety.

“NO. NOT HEALTHY!!!”, I tell myself as I turn my car towards the other end of town, towards the large expanse, filled with hundreds of weekend warriors, that is Lowe’s Home Improvement Store. My anxiety is in full effect now, I don’t even remember driving from the non-existent hardware store to the Lowe’s parking lot but somehow I made it there.

I walked in side, with my broken board in hand, I had to find a matching board, preferably several of them, I’m sure this won’t be the last one he breaks. I wonder around and finally ask for help. A nice man points me in the right direction, I find something that is close but a bit too long, “hey would you mind cutting this for me to match this broken one?”, I say, thinking to myself this is weird, usually I wanted the quickest path back to home, what am I doing?

“Sure, just go up to the front and pay for them (I purchased eight planks) and then come back and find me, we’ll get them cut for you.”

I make my purchase and head back to the lumber yard, find my helper, measure the boards, make the cuts and head for my car. What going on with me? I don’t feel weird. My hands aren’t sweating. My legs aren’t weak. My body isn’t trembling.

I walk calmly to my car, load my errands and head for home. The first time in over two years that I can remember walking into a store, not rushing around, finding what I need and not feeling one drop of anxiety — I Love Lowe’s.

This week my doctor suggested that I look into mindfulness meditation as a method for gaining control over my non-stop mind. I was thinking, of course :), about this last night. If I could stop thinking about my physical symptoms they would just go away but it is because of my physical symptoms that I think and because I think I have physical symptoms. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The doctor again reminded me that anxiety is often harder and takes longer to recover from than addiction, depression and other common mental health disorders. Even though I could dwell on the fact that recovery takes time and it is so painful, I choose to be happy for what I have.

An amazing cast of friends who understand and do not judge me. Who are supportive in my recovery and help give me that extra push when I am lacking. Without these friends, I could not survive.

A loving family who hasn’t given up on me, even though I see myself as less than adequate for them, they are always there to pick me up when I fall and are the thoughts in my mind when I think I can no longer go on. Without my family around me everyday, I could not survive.

I had my biweekly session this morning with my psychologist. I really enjoy our time together, he provides great insight and brings a sense of structure to my recovery. I did ask him about my “I’m Happy. I’m Healthy. I’m Strong” technique and he thinks its a great way to curb those never ending streams of negative thoughts.

We talked about my “setback” my near panic attack about spending a weekend away from home and he quickly pointed out, as many of my friends have also done, that I am again focusing on the wrong things. You did it, you did something you hadn’t done in 3 years, this is a major milestone.

As I am becoming more aware of my situation, more aware of my thoughts, this week we are going to work on slowing down the mind through mindfulness meditation. Which is great as I have just started listening to a class on the subject offered by the fine people at ZenCast.org.

When I hear the phrase “Positive Affirmations” my mind quickly flashes to scenes from Saturday Night Live or thoughts of new age healing centers or sound bites from The Secret. However last night I feel that I had a bit of an insight into the true power of positive affirmations — positive thinking — non-negative thoughts. As I lay in bed last night, I began to pay attention to how I pay attention, my attempt to experience mindfulness meditation, I thought rather than go to bed each night and rise each morning with negative thoughts in my mind, why not begin and end each day with only positive thoughts?

And if I am to begin and end each day with positive thoughts then why not extend this practice to the rest of the day?

What I decided to do was each time a negative thought enters my mind I will say to myself over and over, “I Feel Happy. I Feel Healthy. I Feel Strong.” I don’t know if this is a valuable technique or not, I’ll pass it by my doctor when I meet with him tomorrow but I wager it can’t be any worse than the steady stream of consciousness that flows through my mind every day, every hour, every minute: “i feel weak. i feel sick. i feel less than perfect. i feel like i’m dying. i will never get better. my family deserves better. i can’t enjoy life. i can’t do simply things people take for granted. i feel dizzy. i have a brain tumor. i am not successful. i am weak. blah blah blah.”

NOT HEALTHY. STOP!!!

I FEEL HAPPY. I FEEL HEALTHY. I FEEL STRONG.

Discounting the positive. You have difficulty accepting praise or enjoying positive experiences. You reject positive experiences as if they “don’t count.” If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn’t good enough or that anyone could have done it as well. This leaves you with an inadequate and unrewarded feeling, even when things are going well.

Nine things could go extremely well and one thing could go poorly and all my mind sees is the one.  This last weekend was a perfect example of how my mind works.  The fact that I was able to get out of the house, enjoy a weekend with family and friends, and really put my ability to enjoy life with anxiety into practice was completely glossed over, all my mind was able to see is that I was nervous, anxious, scared.

I believe that if I could just observe and more importantly accept that I am making progress then progress would continue to come however when I can not accept, the progress is slow and riddled with setbacks.   This morning was a realy important time for me, when I came into work, the first thing I wanted to do was jump onto the Internet to lookup signs and symptoms of MS.  I’ll admit, I did go to one site but quickly left and worked diligently to distract myself from this train of thinking.

My hope is that I can one day accept that anxiety is real and not a dream.  I had been doing so well but after this weekend I can’t believe that this is a real illness, it just seems so bazaar.  I want so badly to just accept that I have anxiety and live life.  I think I can enjoy life with anxiety but I know it won’t happen until I finally accept.

I’m back from the mountain. Yesterday, I had worked myself up into such a panic there was no way that I was going to be able to drive the 60 miles so I had my wife drive. I sat in the front seat in a half comatose state and as we approached the mouth of the canyon, I wanted so badly to plead with her to turn the car around and take me home.

I tried to slow my mind down, I took deep breaths, I counted my breath, I challenged my negative thoughts and before I knew it we had arrived at our destination. At this point, after hours of worry, I was exhausted and my stomach was weak, and I was glad just to lay on the bed and watch TV.

As the hours passed, I began to feel more comfortable with my surroundings and by about 7 PM that night, I was relaxed enough to enjoy the moment. Quickly morning came and the panic and fear returned:

• “what if you pass out while taking the bags to the car?”
• “why do I feel so weak, there is no way this is anxiety”
• “I wish I could just enjoy a relaxing weekend!!!”

Again, I worked to calm myself down and this time was able to make the drive, in the driver’s seat of the car. The drive was ok, no fear, no panic, but my mind was awash with thoughts. I was really beating myself up. Rather than congratulating myself on taking this great step forward, I attacked myself for being so weak, for allowing my anxiety to put a damper on a weekend away from home.

As I walked through the door of my home, it was almost a miraculous transformation, my body went lose, my mind relaxed and I felt at peace. I was happy that I made the choice to go away for the weekend, rather than avoiding — I could have easily taken an out and avoided the trip.

Now I sit at my computer, documenting the facts as I see them, wondering again if I ever will recover, if this thing we call “anxiety” is real or whether this is all some bazaar dream that I will wake up from.

I’m heading up to the mountains this weekend, it should be a good opportunity to practice dealing with anxiety producing situations. As I mentioned in my last post, it had been a long time since I had spent a weekend away from home so this will make two weekends in a row. The positive way to look at it is that this must be a sure sign of progress.

Every time I meet with my doctor, we talk about the progress I’ve made. He is excited about how quickly I’m moving, I am depressed with how slow I am moving. I guess its all a matter of perspective — the same can be said for life — “it is what we make it”.

Its been a few days since I’ve posted as anxiety has been far from my mind, however these are the times I need to stay focused so I’m getting back to writing.

This past weekend I spent a couple days at my parents house, we hung out, went shopping, I cooked dinner — I hadn’t done this in over a year and a half.  It was like a switch was throw and I suddenly started to feel like my old, “normal” self again.

Anxiety really has been far down on the list of things I’ve been thinking about, probably because I have so many other things on my mind to keep me occupied but it has been a nice break.

I must remember to stay humble, continue to focus on recovery, and write, it feels so good just to write.  I have also noticed that the tension that I have in my body has greatly decreased, my neck is no longer stiff and as the tension releases many of the other scary symptoms of anxiety seem to go as well, there must be a connection there.