MyAnxiousMind

Yesterday, if is wasn’t already totally apparent, it was pointed out to me that my thoughts are constantly negative and that these negative thoughts can make me physically ill in a mater of minutes, sometimes even seconds. Rather than always focusing on the negative I was told:

• My illness is real
• Be happy
• Be healthy
• Be srong
• Be positive
• Be grateful

It was kind of like a slap in the face, one I needed to snap me out of it. So I thought, I’m going to put a heavy rubber band on my wrist and every time an unhealthy thought pops into my head, I’m going to snap that rubber band, snap it hard enough to leave a mark on my skin. So thats what I did. Last night as a negative thought entered my head, I would snap the rubber band and quickly snap my mind out of that track and rephrase my negative thought. I know its only short term but I feel great, it was so wonderful to have the chance to rest for just a brief moment and as one of my friends told me “that’s how it can be long term though, you moved yourself out of it, that’s what being present is.”

An example of how this works. Last night, as I was dragging myself around the house, the thought popped into my mind “why are you so tired? It must be MS”. I snapped the rubber band hard, making my eyes water and I said to myself “why are you so tired? well, you got up early, made the kids breakfast, made their lunches, took them to school, worked all day, picked up the kids, made dinner, did the laundry, cleaned the dishes, read to the kids, put them in bed, is it any wonder you are a bit tired? Go relax.” So I did.

Think Healthy.

I’m tired of this, I really am.  Tired of wasting my life.  Tired of just sitting here waiting for something bad to happen.  This November will mark three years, 3 YEARS, that I have been thinking the worst is about to happen.  That is 3 years I could have been enjoying the world around even if the worst was going to happen today but I lost that time, its gone and I can’t get it back.

I had a dream last night that I purchased a punching bag from a local sporting goods store and after getting it home I spray painted the words “anxiety” “hypochondria” and “fear” on it.  I began punching the words on the bag, I punched harder and harder.  I was angry.  I was pissed off.  I didn’t stop punching until my hands were covered in blood.

I’m pissed off at this illness right now.  I’m pissed off that it is stealing my life.  I’m pissed off that I am unable to enjoy things that other people take for granted.  I’m pissed off that I’m missing out on some amazing memories that I will never NEVER get back.

I don’t want to do this anymore!

….My Name Is Jason and I’m a Hypochondriac. There I said it.

The last few weeks I have really been taking an inventory of where I am and where I have come from. The ‘where I have come from’ part is hard, looking back and seeing the state I was in scares me, scares me alot.

The ‘where I am’ scares me too. Although I believe that I have made great strides forward in my recovery from anxiety, I still have to admit that I don’t have power of my chronic worries about my health.

The frustrating thing with hypochondria is that you need to attack it at the thought level not at the symptom level. I’ve tried the symptom approach it doesn’t work. Go to the doctor, get a test, says you are fine, you feel relieved for 2 days and then you start to question if the test was accurate. Or, talk your self out of symptom A just to have it go away so symptom B can pop up and become your new obsession.

I think, no, I know that I need to go back and start doing the Daily Mood Log again, I need to do something, anything to break out of this cycle of never ending worry over anything and everything that can be catastrophic.

Yesterday I was complaining to friends that I thought I would never get better, that the anxiety is still there, and how frustrated I am.  I laid in bed last night thinking how long I have been seeing a psychologist and wondering how much longer it will take or if I’m just wasting mine and his time.  Then I started to realize that I have been very lazy over the past several months.

When I first started seeing a psychologist, I was very engaged in my recovery, doing my homework assignments daily but now I have gotten lazy.  I feel like just showing up at his office is enough to continue my recovery but now I realize that that is not the case, it must take an active role on my part.

I also noticed that as I begin to climb out of my own mind, I’m finding that the world around me looks weird, like I’m seeing it for the first time.  Not only did my body begin to atrophy from years of being chained to my bed but my mind did as well.  I’m finding that I am having to relearn to live, relearn how to engage with the world around me and my life.

Is recovery doing without anxiety or doing with anxiety?

The reason I ask is that everyone around me tells me how much better I am getting but the anxiety is still there.  Sure, I’m more out going now but while I’m out the anxiety is still there, its not like I’m going out because its gone, I’m going out because I’m forcing myself to go out.

I so badly want to wallow in self-pity.  I want to focus on all the things that are wrong with me.  I just want to be negative today.  Ok, with that said, here are a few positive things I could come up with:

• My doctor said its much nicer to shake my hand now, a good sign of progress he says, as my hands are no longer cold, clammy, and sweaty.
• I’m walking 6,000+ steps a day now, without any added attention to upping my step count (running on the treadmill,  going for walks, etc.).  This means that I’m walking 6,000 steps in my normal day to day activities.  When I first started tracking my steps I would walk between 1200-2000 steps a day, this must mean I am becoming more active and engaged in life.
• Yesterday, my wife informed me that several of her family members would be coming over to the house, rather than getting overly anxious, I took the kids to pick up some pizzas for dinner.  On the way home the kids insisted they needed a drink from the convenience store, rather than making up an excuse on why we needed to hurry back home I let them wander the store and pick out drinks of their choice.
• My mind is clearer today than it was in January.
• I am having strings or good days and bad days.
• I am surrounded by loving family and friends.
• I have hope.

Today I meet with my psychologist and I told him that after reading back through my journal, the word “Accept” seemed to come up the most. I decided to do a word cloud of the most popular words found in my posts, looks like I was way off, its ANXIETY….imagine that

The most frustrating thing about anxiety is that your mind doesn’t stop questioning, doesn’t stop the what ifs and that includes questioning anxiety itself. I wonder at times if mentally I would be stronger if I had something like diabetes. I would listen to the doctor, accept the diagnosis and make a plan to control the disease and live my life.

I look at my sister, who has a chronic illness that requires daily attention, I can’t imagine how she does it, she lives , she flies all over the country, she has fun. I think, I would be locked in my room but that is me, that is the anxiety. She doesn’t have anxiety, she has an illness she is dealing with.

The problem with anxiety is you are never sure. Do I really have anxiety? Is anxiety a real illness? Is this really happening to me? What is this? As anxiety sufferers we can’t even accept our own diagnosis and acceptance is a huge part of recovery no matter what the disease is.

From what I have read, the steps to recovery look something like this:

1. Visit doctor, get tests.
2. Receive a diagnosis
3. Get referred to a mental health expert
4. Get drugs (optional)
5. Therapy
6. Accept your diagnosis
7. Recovery

You have to accept to recover. If you never accept, you will be in a perpetual cycle of anxiety creating anxiety. This weakens your already tired mind and body and the symptoms flood in. Racing heart, negative thoughts, fear of dying, dizziness, depersonalization, feeling out of it, off balance, scared, alone, and on and on. Can you see the vicious cycle? I know there are many time I can’t, once we are in it, it’s so hard to see anything else but own broken down selves.

I’m trying. I’m trying really hard but I still haven’t fully accepted but I need to find how to get there, some how.

A couple friends from work wanted to go to a local sandwich shop to watch the Italy vs. French soccer match during lunch.  I’m a big fan of Italian soccer and I did want to see the match but my mind told me otherwise.  I thought about coming up with an excuse for why I couldn’t go or maybe schedule a meeting so I could “get out of it” but as the hour drew nearer the odds of me going were slowing rising.

Before I knew it, we were sitting around the table, eating our sandwiches as the game kicked off.   I told myself “its ok, you’ll eat your sandwich, watch the first half of the game, then head back to work, you can do that.”  I felt my body tense up, my breathing go from constricted to near hyperventilation, of course my friends were unaware, I think.  There were a few jolts of anxiety that shot through my body, that familiar feeling of adrenaline being dumped into your blood stream telling you to get up and run.

I wanted to, I really did, but I sat there and enjoyed the game, as much as I could.  As half time neared, I told myself I need to sit here for the entire game, for my friends and for me.  I can’t run away.  No matter how uncomfortable it is, I need to sit here, feel the discomfort and just be.  So that is what I did.  I sat in the restaurant for 2 and a half hours, full of people coming in and out, noise,  distractions, anxiety, fear but damnit, I did it.

I thought that perhaps I was further ahead than I am but this was a good benchmark, I spent a lot of time out, I could have run away but didn’t, I survived.   I need to stop telling myself “why are you so anxious?  why are you so anxious?  why are you so anxious?” while I’m out but that will come in time.  I knew today would be a day of therapy and I needed it, no matter how painful that therapy is, it is driving me towards a better place.