MyAnxiousMind

For the longest time I thought that it was health concerns that drove my anxiety. Be it something I saw on TV, an illness of a friend, or a weird sensation I felt in my body. However, I have come to realize that concern over my health came as a result of stress. As I found myself in stressful situations or under long term stress at work, my body would react accordingly and would prepare my body and mind to deal with the stress in the only way it knows how, in almost an animalistic way.

It was my reaction to stress that would cause me to then start to worry about my health. Why is my heart beating so fast? If I had taken a moment to step back, the answer would have been obvious. My heart beating fast was a result of adrenaline being pumped into my body because my brain was telling my body that something dangerous was happening. But that thought never crossed my mind, it was always heart disease or some other catastrophic event.

Looking back over my recovery, each insight, each breakthrough seems so clear now but I had to go through each step to get where I am today. Its like looking at a climber standing on the peak of a mountain. All we see is the happy climber claiming victory over the mountain. We don’t see the months and some times years of physical and mental preparation. We don’t see the long hours and days spent dragging up the mountain. If we with anxiety would have been placed at the top of the mountain without having to go through the preparations to get there, our victory would be hollow.  It is because of our struggles that we emerge a stronger and wiser person.

The last few days have been really wonderful.  Anxiety free?  No, however I have been in a phase of just being.  Not over reacting to stress.  Not adding fear to fear.  And I must admit it feels great.

I apologize for not updating my blog as much but as I begin to feel better, the less I want to talk about anxiety.

I was having a really good day this morning.  After having a wonderful nights rest, I was ready to face the day.  Arriving at work I felt my mind and body begin to relax but soon that serene scene was shattered.  I received a call from the HR office at work that they wanted to talk with me.

Instantly I thought the worst.  Adrenaline was pumped into my body.  My heart begin to race.  My hands got sweaty.  My vision dimmed.  I was dizzy.  I felt off.

“What do they want from me?  Am I in trouble?  Am I fired?  What the hell?”

I calmly, on the outside, walked down to the office.  I didn’t know if I would pass out or say something stupid or what, I wasn’t with it.  After a brief conversation, all they wanted to know is how I was doing, since a close friend of mine was let go this week, they wanted to know how I was taking it.  I guess that was nice of them not sure why I instantly jumped to such catastrophic conclusions.

I was able to calm myself down but the effects of having the stress chemicals dumped into my body didn’t begin to fade for several hours.

I recently picked up a book my grandpa gave me on my 12th birthday. I had read the book several times, as it is a very quick read, but I never understood the contents until I reread it this week. The book is called ‘As A Man Thinketh’. I sat down and read cover to cover with amazement of how clear the message was. Before I put much thought into it, I called my grandpa and thanked him for the book he gave me years ago for now it finally made perfect sense to me.

The book was written in the early 1900s and being in the public domain you can find free versions online if you look around — As A Man Thinketh.

There is one chapter in particular that really resonated with me. The chapter is titled ‘Effect of Thought on Health and the Body’.

Disease and health, like circumstances, are rooted in thought. Sickly thoughts will express themselves through a sickly body. Thoughts of fear have been known to kill a man as speedily as a bullet, and they are continually killing thousands of people just as surely though less rapidly. The people who live in fear of disease are the people who get it. Anxiety quickly demoralizes the whole body, and lays it open to the, entrance of disease; while impure thoughts, even if not physically indulged, will soon shatter the nervous system.

Strong, pure, and happy thoughts build up the body in vigour and grace. The body is a delicate and plastic instrument, which responds readily to the thoughts by which it is impressed, and habits of thought will produce their own effects, good or bad, upon it. Men will continue to have impure and poisoned blood, so long as they propagate unclean thoughts. Out of a clean heart comes a clean life and a clean body. Out of a defiled mind proceeds a defiled life and a corrupt body. Thought is the fount of action, life, and manifestation; make the fountain pure, and all will be pure.

Change of diet will not help a man who will not change his thoughts. When a man makes his thoughts pure, he no longer desires impure food.

Clean thoughts make clean habits. The so-called saint who does not wash his body is not a saint. He who has strengthened and purified his thoughts does not need to consider the malevolent microbe.

If you would protect your body, guard your mind. If you would renew your body, beautify the mind.

In the last few days I have been blessed with a glimpse of life after recovery. I feel like I am so close I can taste the sweetness of that life. That being the case, now more than ever do I need to adhere to the eloquent and brilliant words written in ‘As A Man Thinketh’. It is the most successful among us who push harder as the finish line approaches. My grandpa always used to tell me “finish the race like a thoroughbred”.

It is in the last few meters of this long race I have been running that I need to be completely present. My thoughts and actions need to be pure.

Things are really starting to become clear to me, yet recovery still eludes me.  Why is it so hard?  I know the answer, I don’t think I know, I KNOW the answer on how to recover yet it doesn’t make recovery any easier.

I know that negative thoughts make me feel worse.  Make me feel physically ill.  Yet I can’t stop.  I guess I should start doing my CBT exercises again.  I am getting better at it but I tend to look at it in black & white terms.  My doctor on the other hand takes a different view of it.   He always says things like “well, these bad thoughts used to come every minute and now they come every 5 minutes, thats progress.”  Which he is right, it is a progression but to my mind its either there or not, its hard for me to appreciate the progress I’ve made towards recovery.

Argh….I just wrote what I thought was a beautiful post that got erased when I tried to publish it.

Ok, take two.

During my last meeting with the doctor, he gave me some reading homework centered around the mind-body connection concept. Interestingly enough I am also reading Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book ‘The Power of Intention’ which is focused on this very subject.

One particular paragraph, in the chapter on healing, caught my attention.

The universal mind of intention knows precisely what you need in order to optimize your health. What you must do is notice your thoughts and behaviors, which are creating resistance, and interfering with healing, which is the flow of intentional energy. Recognizing your resistance is something that’s entirely up to you. You must dedicate yourself to this awareness so that you can make a shift to pure healing intention.

Did you notice the key phrase there? You must notice your thoughts and behaviors which are creating resistance. Not only creating resistance but I would also argue creating disease.

The idea of noticing how your thoughts are affecting your mind-body is the primary purpose of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and is also a key component in the study of the mind-body connection and mindfulness meditation.

In theory the idea seems simple enough but in practice is a very difficult concept to master but with continued dedication and practice mastery will come.

It wasn’t long ago that the thought of going to the grocery store would have created so much anxiety in me that I would literally be frozen in place. The grocery store was one of my first assignments the doctor gave me. The prescription was “do all the grocery shopping, every week, go grocery shopping.”

At first it was a real struggle, I would run around the store as fast as I could, always forgetting an item or two that was on my list. As time progressed it began to get easier and easier. Now, if I need to go to the grocery store, I go, not a second thought about it. Sure, there are times when being in the store creates some anxious thoughts and feelings. There are times where I find myself tensing my body against the on coming anxiety but I’m there and that is a major step forward.

Tonight on the way home from work, I remembered that my daughter had been begging for grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. My only thought was picking up some bread and cheese so my little girl would be happy, at no time did I think about avoiding the grocery store. I was a bit nervous in there but that is ok, I didn’t let anxiety control what I wanted to do.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the psychologist.  I’m on an “every two weeks” schedule right now.  It seems for the past couple of months the run up to my meetings are filled with really good days and then the day of the doctor visit arrives and my anxiety begins to creep back up.  For some reason when I think about how long I have been seeing the psychologist I get scared.  My mind tells me “you have been going for almost a year now.  Shouldn’t you be better already?  How long is this going to go on?”

The truth is, I am getting better.  My mind and body have been beaten up over the years with negative thoughts — thats something that can’t be healed in a few months.

And you know what anxious mind?  I CAN SEE THE PSYCHOLOGIST AS LONG AS I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT!!!

My last update I was questioning if I had pushed things too hard and too fast. Well, I just may have. I slipped into a mini setback and begin to question all the progress I have made. I look at this as a good thing as this setback has really forced me to take a good look at where I am in my life.

A common theme with me is about control, I need to feel in control, even through my logical mind tells me that no one is really ever in complete control. I did a lot of soul searching and finally arrived last night at a destination. That destination was for me to turn my life over to a higher power. This doesn’t mean just sitting back and letting the wind blow me to and fro, no, it simply means admitting that as a human I don’t fully understand all things. I don’t have nor will I ever have complete control, that is what faith is really all about.

We all have faith. Faith that when I turn the key the car will start. Faith that the pilot will safely get me from A to B. Faith that when we go to sleep at night, we’ll wake up the next morning. Giving up that need to know everything, control everything was like a giant weight being lifting off my shoulders — figuratively and literally.

I don’t know if I pushed it too hard yesterday or not but today I have more free floating anxiety than normal.  It just feels like it is going to be a rough day.  I’m struggling to be able to think positively.  I know that if I could just shift my state of mind, today would be fine but I just have this fear that I won’t be able to stop the negative thoughts today.

Even after all of these experiences I have gone through, I am still amazed at how powerful thoughts are.  Simple thoughts can make me feel like I am on the verge of dying or make me feel like I am unstoppable.  How can one minute I be in bed, unable to move, thinking I’m dying, and the next be riding my bike 5 miles?

I need to find a support person today to help me stay positive, today can either be really productive or can be the start of a set back.