MyAnxiousMind

This week I have been driving to and from work in silence. A bit of a struggle for me as my mind tends to wander in all sorts of directions if I’m not distracting myself with music or tv or any loud sound to quiet my mind. I’ve found that this mini mental break has actually been really good for me. Not only has it been a nice break for my normally out of control mind, it has given me an opportunity for insight.

This morning on my way into work I was thinking about how my mind works. It is a perfectionist’s mind. It expects daily miracles. There is nothing wrong with setting high goals but in recovery it is important to be realistic. My mind says “do something the correct way once and you will be healed”, the problem with thinking this way is that when I do something the correct way and I still have anxiety, my anxiety gets worse, I beat myself up for not being “better”.

If someone had a stroke and it effected their ability to walk and one day during physical therapy they were able to walk 5 feet while holding onto those parallel bars, should they then expect to get out of bed the next morning and be able to walk completely normal? The logical answer is no, it takes time and a series of small accomplishments to reach the larger goal of relearning how to walk. The same holds true for anxiety, doing one exercise will not cure you and you shouldn’t expect it to but each exercise gets you closer to your ultimate goal of mental health.

I have a scheduled lunch with a friend today.  My hands are cold and clammy.  My heart is racing.  I hate that I am still this way but I’m not going to avoid.

I commented to the doctor yesterday that I’m never having my best day when I come to see him.  Usually the day of and the day after is filled with stress and tension, its like I have something to prove.  Not to him but to myself.  I feel like every time I go, I have to prove that I’m getting better, that I’m actually making progress.

After the doctor and after work, I decided to go into a place where I had had a panic attack.  I was feeling ok, a bit tired and run down but overall I felt ok, as soon as I opened the door and walked into this place all of those feelings came rushing back instantly.  It was like my body had been programmed to react in a specific way when I saw a particular object or smelled a particular smell.   I almost wanted to break down and cry right there.

Last night I started to get more and more frustrated with myself.  Why can’t I have the patience to let time pass and see this thing through?  Why does my recovery have to be looked at in terms of black & white?  I know that I was tense and stressed to the max last night and as I woke this morning, my body ached from head to toe.  “I must be getting sick.”, I said to myself.  I quickly grabbed the ear thermometer — 98.6.

I ended up going to my company team building activity on Friday.  I told myself, I would stay for lunch and then I would take off but I ended up having a really great time and was actually one of the last people to leave.  The weekend brought more exercise.  Usually on the weekends, I am pulled from the house to work on the family cabin.  I usually show up for a few hours and then head back home.  Last weekend it was 2 days of 10 hour + days at the cabin site.

I think I have been doing really well, I have gone days, many days, of just living, not even thinking about anxiety or that I might be dying.

The first of this week has been a bit of a challenge.  For some reason I have had increased anxiety levels.  I have also felt increased tension in my body, there is no doubt a connection there.  However this time, rather than fight it, I’m just going with the feelings.  I did some grocery shopping yesterday, very anxious, but I didn’t pay it any attention.  I’m spending my days working rather than in worry.  I’m not tempted to run to anxiety support sites or medical sites to seek reassurance.  I’m talking about life with my friends rather than the ills of anxiety.

This too shall pass and I will emerge stronger and another step closer to my ultimate goal.

So, I’m a little frustrated with myself today.  I thought that I was much farther along then I really am.  I’ve based this on recent experiences where I have done construction work for 10 hours a day on the weekends, yesterday my wife asked me to pick up dinner on my way home and I went to a restaurant without a drive-through, I was feeling great.

Then today.  Ahhh yes today.  My company is letting us out early today, we will be having lunch at a local park and doing “team building” activities.  I’ve known about this for some time and had either planned not to attend or I would go and it would be totally fine.  Well, as I type this, my hands are ice cold and I can feel my heart rate starting to increase.  Just last night as I thought about the possibility of going to this event, I felt totally fine, I was relaxed and calm with whatever decision I would make.

However today I have been very short temperated and moody with my coworkers.  Its not their fault I don’t want to attend but I seem to be taking it out on them.  I could easily just go home and take a half day but I will be attending.  Not to be a team player.  Not to bond with fellow employees.  I’m doing this for me.  One more step towards complete mastery.

This will be fun and I’ll be fine.

Time is the ultimate healer.  I’ve learned that our bodies and our minds are powerful beyond our wildest beliefs.  It is up to each of us to provide the environment that will allow our minds and bodies to heal and return to their natural state of balance.

The last couple weeks have been a welcome relief from the non-stop stress and tension that I have been under.  I have found myself doing things without ever questioning how I felt or how I would feel.  I have gone days without even thinking about “anxiety”.

Had anyone told me that I would be at the place that I am now, I wouldn’t have believed them.  In fact, that was the case several months ago.  When I first started seeing the psychologist he told me that with time I can be to where I am today.  I told him I didn’t believe him, there was no way that could happen, but it has.

Our minds create our reality.  It took me far too long to realize that I was creating the hell that I was in and that I had the power to change that.  I still have far to go to reach my ultimate goals but now I have hope and I believe that anything is possible.

For the past week I have been doing really well.  On Saturday morning I dropped the kids off at Grandma’s house and headed back home.  My wife was working at our family cabin and I had thoughts of crawling back into bed and avoiding the day.  I didn’t think there was anyway I could survive a full day away from home.  I laid around for about 15 minutes, jumped out of bed, and got in the car.  The cabin is about a 30 minute drive from my home, plenty of time to build up anxiety.

I arrived and got right to work.  Before I knew it, it was 6 PM.  There was talk about going out to a restaurant for dinner.   I got upset and protested that I wanted to return home but deep down I knew I wanted to go.  I didn’t want to miss out anymore.  I was at the restaurant.  I ate.  I talked.  I was fine.  I felt great.

Sunday arrived and I worked another 12 hours at the cabin.  When morning came, there was no thought of avoiding, I was ready to get to work.  I don’t think I thought about anxiety once that day.

Monday was more of the same but anxiety about returning to work started to creep in on Monday night.  Tuesday was a high anxiety day. Wednesday all hell seemed to break loose at work and I was filled with stress.

Wednesday night all I wanted to do was go to bed, which I did but only slept for about 3 hours.  Today I’m wondering if I’m back to square one.  Its like I have forgotten how to think.  I’m thinking about anxiety again, when the days before the word “anxiety” seemed foreign to me.

I know that thinking the right way works but when I get stressed out I seem to forget that.

Walking around life with anxiety, for me anyway, is a lot like having your head stuffed full of cotton, you feet in quick sand and every where else the thickest fog you have ever seen.

As I have progressed through therapy the symptoms of anxiety have begin to lessen, slowly, month by month. Within the past couple of weeks I have felt the clouds of anxiety fall away. I no longer felt like I was walking around in quicksand. My head was clear. The world around me came into focus and was beautiful.

I should be happy right?

Well yes, and I am happy but I’m also finding out that I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m emotional and I’m crying all the time. As I see what the world has to offer, I’m bitter about all the time I have lost to this disease. I cry at the sight of a billboard, a commercial, or a song on the radio. Simple things jog memories of time gone by.

The weirdness is lifting and raw emotions are left open for the world to see. I hope my friends and family can put up with me during this phase of my recovery because the other side of the mountain looks so amazing from here.