MyAnxiousMind

I had started to string together a few days of feelings really great, my anxiety was constantly hovering around a 2 (out of 10) for about 5 days in a row. On Sunday I was feeling really great and actually suggested that we go for a drive in the mountains and then stop off to see my grandparents. Then Sunday night came along, I started to develop a headache but thought that I could just relax and it would go away. I hate taking medicine. By 1 AM the pain was so bad I wanted to vomit so I broke down and took two Excedrine and within 20 minutes, the headache was gone.

Now I find myself laying in bed worried about the side effects of the Excedrin. I awoke Monday and felt fine, my anxiety was a bit higher than normal but I chalked that up to the extra large dose of caffeine that the Excedrin delivers. As Tuesday rolled around my anxiety began to peak. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to find a dark cave. Now today I sit and wonder if I am back at the foot of the mountain again. The ups and downs are so frustrating.

As I drove into work this morning, I was thinking that the Excedrin was just a convenient something to attach my worries and anxiety to when in fact there is a lot going on and if I think about things logically, it makes sense that my anxiety is creeping upwards now:

• My wife has a doctors appointment today, nothing big but doctor’s appointments for me and my family always stress me out.
• We will be driving to my in-laws tomorrow for Thanksgiving and I am nervous as nervous can be about it.
• I am no good at Holidays. Instead of enjoying time and activities with family, I think about how quickly I can get them over with so I can get back home.
• Rather than going out to find fun presents for friends and family, I procrastinate and then finally end up buying something lame online.

I just want my life back.

This morning, if for a few brief hours, my anxiety hit ZERO.  10 being a full blown panic attack, zero being perfectly balanced.  I felt like the Jason I remember.  It felt so amazing, I wanted to cry.

Rather than celebrating the fact that I went out to lunch with my family yesterday, I continue to beat myself for being nervous and not being able to fully enjoy the experience.  I talked to my mom about this in relation to my biological father and the divorce.  She mentioned that the expectation was that I was perfect, so I was always “the good boy”.  Even when I did make mistakes, I mean come on, we all make mistakes, my mom would shield me from any wrong doing.  She said that my biological father would become very upset at every mistake that I made and not only me anyone for that matter.  I guess the neighbor kids called him the Grinch because he would yell at them for walking on our lawn.

The problem with perfection is that none of us have this trait, we are all imperfect beings.  The problem with perfection and recovery is that you tend to focus on the wrong things.  Rather then seeing progress being made, we tend to focus on “what still is wrong”.  This type of thinking keeps me trapped in this endless loop of thoughts creating fear, creating anxiety, creating thoughts.

I’m also coming up on my one year anniversary of when I first sought out the help of a psychologist and I keep asking myself why I’m not better yet, why do I still get nervous in public, why do I still fear disease?

Well I did it. I survived lunch. I’m so frustrated with myself its so hard to put it into words. Yes, I made it through lunch but it should be something to enjoy. Time with my family. Not something to endure. I knew I was going to be nervous because I had talked myself into it before even going.

Upon arriving I felt out of it. A bit off balance. I just wanted to get back in the car and drive home but I didn’t. I had lunch. I talked with family. However, I couldn’t eat that much, I can’t eat when I’m nervous. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could. Worried about feeling “weird”, feeling “not there”, can’t really explain it but its a scary feeling.

You know, it makes me feel less than human to not be able to enjoy such simple things like eating a meal in a restaurant.

OK, that experience is in the past. I want to give a sincere thank you for all of those who visit my blog and for those of you that comment and share your thoughts. It means so much to me to know that there are others out there that understand. It makes me feel not so alone, not so scared about being in a dark and isolated place.

I was feeling really good yesterday so I really pushed myself.  I went grocery shopping, I worked in the yard, I went for a bike ride.  However today, my body seems a bit upset with me.  Couple that with lunch today with family and I am nervous as hell.I just don’t know how to deal with the anticipation, I want it to be over with NOW! 

Yesterday while visiting with the psychologist, we came to an interesting fork in the road. As we were talking about what point in my life I first remember being anxious he asked what events took place at that time in my life. I quickly replied “that was when my parents divorced”, I was 6 years old. He asked me how I felt about the divorce and my biological father and I told him “I have no feelings about it whatsoever”.

Although he expressed concern that I didn’t have any feelings about my biological father or the divorce itself he begin to drill into how I would have reacted as a child of 6. As I’ve thought about it, at the time I felt like I needed to be the “man of the house”, it was my responsibility to hold things together. This no doubt would have been scary to such a young boy. Also a few years later my sister became very ill and was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes, this event introduced me at an early age to the frailty of life.

I now had two missions in life: don’t screw up (see also: don’t be like my biological father) and don’t die (see also: if I die, I’ll abandon my family like my biological father abandoned me). Does it make sense to draw the conclusion that the don’t screw up mentality lead to becoming an overly anxious child with a “I can’t do that” mentality? Would it be logical to take it a step further and say that that anxious child developed health anxiety as a result of being in an anxious state, bearing the weight of his family on his shoulders, and seeing his sister become ill?

I met with the psychologist on Thursday and we both agree that I have become a bit lazy. I’ve been laying back just hoping recovery happens rather than taking an active role in my own recovery. I need structure and feedback so I have developed a personal recovery plan and will be tracking my progress. Here is what it looks like:

Problem: I worry too much about my health
Goal: I will worry less
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute worry sessions per day. Worry will take place between 7:00-7:10 AM and 6:50-7:00 PM. Nothing but worrying thoughts can be included in worry session.

Problem: Worry has created a tense and on-edge body
Goal: I will return to a relaxed state of wellness
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute meditation/relaxation sessions per day. AM/PM

Problem: I have lost faith in the strength of my body
Goal: I will become physically fit
Plan: 15 minutes of cardio (walking, running, etc.) 4 times per week; purchase a treadmill; weight lifting 3 times per week

Problem: I have lost faith in my bodies ability to heal
Goal: Provide a supple body that will heal itself
Plan: AM/PM Yoga everyday

Problem: Anxiety is created by a fear of passing out/dying in public
Goal: Gradually increase the amount of time I spent away from the house
Plan: Develop a log to track when, where, and for how long I am away from home.