MyAnxiousMind

I met with the psychologist today, my meetings are now happening once every three weeks, I was on a weekly schedule when I first started seeing him.  I wouldn’t even recognize the person that was going weekly, I have come so far, yet I still have so far to go.

 The key for me now is to continue to push myself, to continue to put myself into anxiety producing situations and relearn how to react to those situations.  I had trained my body to be in fear in any place that was outside my home and I am slowly, like learning to walk again, learning how to do simple things, like go grocery shopping, enjoy a movie with friends, or simple drive on the interstate. 

I took my boy to a movie last weekend, it was the third time I’ve been in a movie theater in the last 5 years.  Its not that the theater is anymore scary than any other building, although there is more of a sense of being “trapped” but about 5 years ago,  I had a massive panic attack in the theater.  I started dripping in sweat, I ran to the bathroom and sat in the stall, watching my heart beat through my shirt.  I ran out of the theater and laid down in my car for 15 minutes.

It took me 3 years to even step foot back in a theater.  When the weekend came, I knew my son wanted to see a movie and I didn’t even hesitate, I didn’t even think “what if…..”, I just went.  I was anxious and by the end I was feeling a bit of the weirdness, it drained me mentally and physically but I did it.

First of all, I owe an apology to those faithful readers of my blog.  I disappeared without a word and looking back on it, that was a very bad decision on my part.  So, I’m sorry.

At the time of my last post, I was spending a lot of time thinking about and living ANXIETY.  I was watching videos on YouTube from other anxiety suffers, I was surfing websites for more information, and I had joined an online support group.  I think it was joining the support group that put me over the top.  It was wonderful to connect with people who were like me and it comforted me.  However, I was finding that my support group were spending their entire day talking about anxiety.  Be it posting on messages boards, chatting in a forum, creating blog posts, etc. etc.

I was trying to get away from anxiety not get more involved with it so I decided to just shut everything off.  I didn’t want to lose anymore time to anxiety.  My days were full of anxiety and anything that called for more attention on anxiety, at that moment, was a bad thing.

Now I am back at a place where I can once again begin to write about my experience.  I am no longer spending hours upon hours surfing the Internet, searching for comfort.  I still have anxiety and I will for the rest of my life.  I have finally accepted that but that doesn’t mean that anxiety needs to run my life.  Anxiety doesn’t define who I am.  I am not an anxiety suffer.  I am Jason and I happen to have anxiety but I also happen to enjoy cooking, photography, playing the piano, and much more.

I still see a psychologist every three weeks and will continue to do so.  I am learning a lot about myself and how to have more control and most importantly live in the present moment.

Once again, I apologize for the disappearing act but I am back now and hope that my those who were here before will continue to come back and follow my journey so that we can heal and grow together.